Why I stopped making my bed... and then started again!
It was over two years ago when the breakup that truly broke me took place. I woke up that Saturday morning next to a man I thought would be the one I would wake up next to for the rest of my life! Little did I know, I would never wake up next to him again. But why did this happen? We loved each other and that should be enough, right?
I went into every relationship in my life this way- with no end in sight- no matter how bad it got. I would give, do, and be whoever I needed to be to make that relationship work. Why? Well, why not? I loved him and him and him, and even him...
The problem was not in how I loved them, it was how I didn't love myself. But how could you love someone you didn't even know?
Yes, you read that correct- I COULD NOT LOVE MYSELF because I DID NOT KNOW WHO I WAS!
Have you ever seen The Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts? If not, the basis of the story is a reporter embarks on a research trip to learn about the infamous Runaway Bride. She was engaged and planned to marry 3 times prior to her upcoming nuptials in which this journalist, played by Richard Gere, believes she will run again rather than tie the knot. In his interviews with her previous grooms-to-be the reporter realizes that she ate her eggs differently with each man. And each of these beaus truly believed that was how she "loved" her eggs. He in the end confronted her and she admits in an epiphany that she didn't even know how she liked her eggs!
This made me ask myself, do you know how you like your eggs? NOPE! I have no clue if I even like eggs!
So, with this movie in the back of my mind I decided that I needed to learn who I truly am. Ask me what my favorite restaurant is, I don't know. Whats my favorite drink, whatever you are having. Favorite way to spend my Saturday, doing whatever you want to do. I could go on and on, but you get the point. Sometimes I even know the answer, but still succumb to whoever I am interacting with letting them take the lead.
I started making lists of things I did out of "habit" just within my home. Make the bed, clean the house, do the dishes... I figured it was easiest to start understanding who I was in my own space before I take on the bigger items of restaurants, places to go, hobbies, and other social situations in which I would be asked about my thoughts but yet had no idea what they truly were.
Living alone, it didn't really matter if the bed was made or the kitchen was clean. So, I went to bed with dishes in the sink. I watched what I wanted to watch and I STOPPED MAKING MY BED!
It was liberating. I was reading more, watching shows I truly enjoyed. It was nice to not care if the kitchen was spotless when I went to sleep. If I left a glass of water on the counter, I would get it in the morning. Also, I didn't need to justify to anyone why I didn't make the bed because it was MY BED!
This went on for some time, and what did I find- the glass of water still doesnt bother me but I prefer when the bed is made :-)
This in itself was a huge revelation. While a simple realization that does not effect the world or change the events of the day, this was HUGE for me to admit!
I liked knowing the bed was made, the sheets were freshly in place, and at the end of the day as I climbed into my bed to read, I felt refreshed and cozy. It wasn't a mess, there was no "where is the sheet moment"! It was comforting and my safe place!
That was when, I started making the bed, again. However, this time I knew I was doing it for ME and only me!
I had made my first of many personal revelations and I can state, I like it better when the bed is made each morning! On a scale of nothing to remarkable, I felt this personal identification of a want that was solely mine was beyond remarkable. The best part, I know I am on my way to knowing who I am, and I think I am gonna LOVE her!